Loneliness can really eat your inside. Even in the company of others, sometimes I wonder if I am actually there in substance talking to people. I mean I can feel my mind floating and melting sometimes, my eyes blurry and foggy and I can’t seem to relate that much to what people talk about because of the different interests in life and point of views.
Being different can strike me as odd. I find myself odd at times as well. I mean when I see my colleagues talking with each other, talking about events and stories that happened around them or they heard it second-handed, I irked at the thought. It’s not that I dislike them. I dislike idle talks about people or gossips. Only if they matter and has effects on our livelihood would I consider the talk to be important. But if it’s just for the sake of being in the know and entertainment, I rather eat my meal away from the lounge area.
Maybe it’s the circumstances. Maybe it’s because they’ve known each other for a long time already. And maybe it’s because of the generation gap as well as the differing principles we hold onto ourselves. I can’t blame anybody. We’re individuals.
I wonder if I am a boring person. I mean I prefer to socialize in a small group rather than a big one. I prefer to have a small circle of friends rather than meeting new ones. At times, I would get motivated and try to make new friends, but I would falter and get back to the same cycle again. It’s really that deep ingrained in my personality. So I don’t blame people for drifting away and I don’t feel betrayed. I just feel it’s fate that bring us together and break us apart. We have faults and so don’t blame the stars.
Okay, now I think I’m getting off tangent. I’m not sure what I’m talking about any more. I’ll leave it here, leave it this way. I hope you don’t get lost in my ramblings. Well, actually I don’t think this is just gibberish. This is a writing. An important piece of writing because it heals me inside in some ways.